Stick pins in my legs - it'll be fun!

A short playscript by V Harris

MIDWIVES’ OFFICE, A HOSPITAL IN COLOGNE. MARCH 13 2007.
On stage: Senior Midwife and Victoria Harris. Victoria is there to book in for the birth. Most of the paperwork has been completed. There’s just one more thing…

Victoria: I’ve heard you offer acupuncture to pregnant ladies just before birth, to help with the pain. Please can I sign up for these?

Midwife: Acupuncture? I do not understand.

Victoria: Acupuncture - when you use pins. Ac-u-punc-ture.

Victoria rolls up sleeve and mimes stabbing pins into her wrist. Midwife looks confused at first, but then…

Midwife: Ah! Akk-you-punk-tuur!

Victoria: Yes!!!

MIDWIVES’ OFFICE, A HOSPITAL IN COLOGNE, ONE WEEK LATER.
Victoria is beckoned into the office by a nurse. There are already three women in the room. All are sitting down, with their trousers rolled up to knee height. They have pins sticking out of their legs.

Nurse: (in German) Please take off your shoes and roll up your trousers.

Victoria doesn’t understand the words, but has already guessed that this is the form. Once Victoria is suitably bare-legged the nurse approaches...

Nurse: (in German) Something incomprehensible.

Nurse places six pins into Victoria’s legs – three on each one. Victoria flinches when the first one goes into the skin, but then relaxes so that the others are not so painful.

Nurse: (in German) Something incomprehensible about time. (A theme is developing here.)

Nurse points to clock on wall and then leaves. She comes back 20 minutes later to remove the pins from each of the ladies in turn. Plasters are handed to those who are bleeding. Luckily Victoria has no need of these. She is very strong.

Victoria: Danke schön! Tchuss! (Thanks and goodbye)

Victoria leaves. The place where the first needle went in is still tingling.

Endnote:
The hospital where I am giving birth recommends that pregnant ladies take a course of four acupuncture sessions in the weeks leading to the due date. It is supposed to help relieve stress and relax the body in preparation for the difficult times ahead. A day after my first session I don't feel any different, but who knows what effects it may have over the next few weeks...?